I am a Pool of Attraction for my own Good

My life can be so interesting sometimes.

Today, I was feeling extra under the weather and wanted a quiet night in. I had went out with some friends to get some soup, run some errands and, in turn, spend a couple hours at Barnes & Noble. I picked up some guitar magazines, a copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” and a dream dictionary. I had been reading for quite some time until an older man went up to me, asking, “Can I sit there?”

“Sure,” I proceeded to reply.

He began to explain how there weren’t any seats by the Starbucks. I soon realized he was making a quick excuse to talk and sit next to me.

For a person like me, I love having good conversations with people–getting to know what makes them happy or sad, or how they ended up where they are. He asked me what I was reading, started pointing out some of the books he had grabbed and explained why he loves them so much.

And then he ventured on into asking questions about me. Am I a student. What am I studying. Where am I from. (I believe this has been like the 50th time I’ve been told I don’t look much Filipina and rather look half-Filipina half-white.)

Beside the case, I politely asked him some questions in return. I had been intrigued by his Spanish-influenced accent. He said he was from Istanbul, Turkey and had come here just 7 years ago.

Naturally, I was interested in how he ended up here and where he’s gone in life. I had told him about my studying journalism and wanting to pursue music, and he went on to tell me about his own studying journalism and business in college, but that he had burnt out and works in business now.

He was a charming fellow. Rather young, I might add. He insisted on buying me coffee and told me he was waiting to watch “Gravity” in about an hour–which later he adds he wasn’t going to watch anymore, after an hour had passed.

He started to sneak in questions about my age. If I could drink, about UCI, and if I was dating anyone. He would begin to share his philosophy on how men and women are, how traditional he is, especially having grown up in Turkey, and how women mature faster than men and I ought to date older men (which I don’t entirely disagree with).

This seems to happen to me a lot.

~

At times when I’m at my lowest to times at my highest, I still seem to attract attention from boys. I’m not saying this in the slightest sense to “show off”–I mean, it is and can be entirely flattering–yet, for a person like me, it begins to grow old sometimes. Sometimes, I think I may take these moments for granted.

I’ve never been much of a person who thought highly of herself. Rather, I too easily see where I can and should improve and how I can better myself. I’m always looking to round up more experiences and chances for growth, for I feel I still have so much to grow (don’t we all?).

There are moments and days and people who come into my life and, yes, make me feel a little more sure about myself. They remind me of what I have and who I am, sometimes reminding me how special I am. Friends always joke, “This happens to you every year Rachel!” “You’re gonna break more hearts Rachel!”

In light of some recent events, I’ve been waking up a bit. It’s my third year in college and I see patterns repeating the third time around with different people and perhaps on wider scales. It makes me really want to look into myself, wondering how I can still feel this void.

I’m naturally a very open person, which may mislead people who think I’m taking them in for interest, when I just love getting to know them. I love people and how people work and I love listening to their stories. In turn, I’m pretty much an open book. When people want to get to know me, I give them the benefit of the doubt and open myself up to them. I share experiences, stories, beliefs, thoughts… I don’t think I have much to hide.

But, when I start to feel this void again, I question if that’s really true…

Intimacy has always been a problem for me. I guess, growing up, I was never really exposed to that much intimacy. My family’s always been awkward even though we love each other endearingly. My father passing away at a young age never let me see what it was like when two people in love are around each other.

Also, I’m a very private person who values a small home and few, strong relationships. I sometimes come off as very social when all I really crave for is some time to be by myself.

I’ve always thought my observant, curious soul and genuine interest for pursuing the goodness of my heart and passing that along to others, was meant for something greater. It is mostly for this reason, and my own awareness of self and my surroundings, that I feel I have a story to share, with just the right amount of ‘attraction’ and ‘pull’ to get people to listen to me. A boy told me today, “You’re beautiful, charming, and alluring,” while another told me a week ago, “I can’t stop thinking about you,” and I wonder what it is I do that makes them feel this way. Especially while I’m just being me, and not exactly trying to lure these feelings out of them.

But perhaps that is the allure. I’m an entirely independent, self-sufficient, living for myself, head-in-the-clouds and looking-for-the-good-in-everyone kind of gal. As someone whose felt very much alone in a lot of her young life, I can never refuse being someone’s friend. Because I know how that can feel like.

Maybe people see something good in me that I don’t entirely see in myself.

And so, I sometimes wonder who will be the one that really changes the game for me. Someone who wakes me up. I feel that I see life through a very poetic kind of lens, seeing life as a much more beautiful thing than this day-to-day routine. There’s a meaning and purpose to every small act. And perhaps it’ll take someone really special to wake me up. It’ll take toughness and hardness and a slap-in-the-face; a heartbreaking kind of moment to make me feel something. It’ll take the weakness of my soul to realize that I’m feeling something.

But who knows? I never like to write about who will be the one to change the game for me, because you never know who you meet and how you feel. When you meet the one, you’ll find yourself naturally wanting to spend time with them and get to know them. You’ll feel something inside of yourself wanting more.

And so, as many moments I may have attracting attention, I’ll be open. After all, they add humor and fun and entertainment to my life, and who doesn’t love some fun stories or added experiences? You never know where you’ll go with something.

I’m a very patient person. But when it comes to what I want when I know what I want, I’ll go after it. I’ll focus my attention on it (which is why my attention is so focused on other things). It’s for myself right now (because I feel in order to be ready to love someone else, I’ve got to be able to love myself first). I’ve got self-love and a fair understanding of who I am and what I am and what I may deserve… And if someone nice comes along? Then so be it. But I’m in no haste.

1377194_10202735616490637_592913630_n rachelcansea Oct 12, 2013

“My life is so funny. I was just sitting down reading a book at Barnes & Noble feeling terribly under the weather, and a Turkish guy went up to me, sat next to me, and bought me coffee. It was good conversation at the very least? ‪#‎reading‬ ‪#‎sick‬ ‪#‎coffee‬ ‪#‎stranger‬ ‪#‎barnesnoble‬”

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4 responses to “I am a Pool of Attraction for my own Good

  1. Hmm. Maybe you just have to deal with this. Women get hounded everyday in other countries, sometimes even worse than in America. In Italy, men will literally invade your personal space and even kiss you on the neck although this is not seen as anything wrong. Personal space in other countries is slightly different however. If this void is what it seem, relationships are not hard to find. However, while you may seem open to people on one level, there seems to be something preventing you from fully exposing yourself. Whether that is a trust issue with people or other is an entirely different issue. But one thing is clear, men want to fill that void you have. Nor they or you know what that void actually requires.

    • Hmm, you bring up a really good point. I guess I’m still in the process of figuring out what it is that will really make me open myself up to someone. Perhaps I enjoy the cheap pleasure of good company, but what will it take for me to want something more? After all, I’ve found that in all my life, my best and closest of friends have been ones who have actively and headstrong-ly pursued getting to know me, when I didn’t realize it at first.

      I’m a very intuitive person, and I think I just know and can sense something in someone that makes me want to let down my walls. It’s something in that other person that attracts me and draws me to them. Something I can’t really put into words…

  2. Charisma, Exuberance, Intelligence? All just words. Like you said its a feeling. An aura if you must. Walls down fall down to words but to actions however. Walls require breaking down. Rather than someone to break down walls, a person to diplomatically allow the gates to open. Every diplomat tries to create trade, but restrictions aren’t lifted until both sides are willing to give. Maybe it isn’t someone who can break into your psyche, but instead someone who will allow it to flow from your mind like there was never a barrier to begin with.

    • “Maybe it isn’t someone who can break into your psyche, but instead someone who will allow it to flow from your mind like there was never a barrier to begin with.” That’s so beautifully and accurately said… I feel that it really just takes someone that naturally gets it out of you. Like you weren’t even trying in the first place. No one ever really tries to put up walls unless they feel repelled by someone… Two souls that mesh together naturally get each other. This goes along with my whole belief with the zodiac astrology system. We were all borne with some sort of nature that naturally gets along with others… and I’ve found it to be true in most of my relationships.

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