I’m Not Comfortable with Where I Am, but I Love It

With a gauze pad stuffed up my throat and ice pack held against my face every half hour or so, you can bet I’m loving this whole post-gum-graft-surgery lifestyle. My eyes constantly glued on TVs and video-games accompanied with light reads and good music all while fueled by a liquid diet, I’m lovin’ how I’m writing this post on my itty-bitty little iPod screen! Inspiration and dawnings come at random times and, right now, I’m in my ultimate escape haven.

One of the things that I have always found special about being home is the ability to take a step back and really look at your life from a bird’s eye view. Returning home just a week ago, I’ve been able to do absolutely nothing and love it (hey, you never get this sort of precious time in college!). And, while scanning through my school-friends’ online personas, I can’t help but somehow feel blessed to be removed. Seeing the lives of others lets you recognize what you like and don’t like. You realize your associations and line it up with the bigger picture in the end.

Over time, it’s become more apparent to me of how much of a Seeker I am. Ever since high school, I’ve never been comfortable with where I am or what state I found myself in life–which may be to my dismay or favor. In the back of my mind and with the attitude I’ve always upheld, I knew there was a bigger and greater picture for me outside of the life I find myself in. Of course, with my privileged white-town suburban Catholic private-school upbringing, I’ve built a solid foundation enclosed within a close and personal network. It’s allowed me the chance to dream up opportunities because I was given them.

Though the mentality I hold may be different (maybe I have too much faith in this world?), hope and faith was never bad in a self-doubting, corrupt and indecent world, right?

As I’ve looked into these “windows” or what-have-you of others’ lives, I can’t help but feel a little pity. I find it puzzling to see how so many people can feel so comfortable and so reliant on the lives they live. It’s like they never want to leave or go anywhere and are content with where they are. They’re crazy! and excited! about the things they’re doing (almost enjoying life like a little boy’s simple joy of kicking a ball around a lawn).

I guess a reason for my questioning is just the person I’ve become–someone who has always wanted to better herself and improve herself and gain a better understanding of herself and her position in this world. I’m always wanting to move up rather than sit back and enjoy the comfort, even though–trust me–I’m completely guilty of enjoying self-indulgence to enjoy my own comfort in my own time at home. I guess from a young age, I saw and understood that my life was going to mean so much more than I give myself credit for one day; because I realized I had this sort of emphatic understanding and compassion and realization of the world in which I felt I could have an influence on. I realize my own shortcomings and doubts (maybe a bit too much), as well as the world’s, but I also recognize my strengths and successes that give me a little comfort to go into the world headstrong, knowing I’m not all that entirely bad or not good enough. I’ve potential. And realizing that potential and genuine feeling for something allows for something good.

With dreams and hopes tacked under my belt and a habit of people-pleasing and never quite doing things for the pleasure of myself, finding where my own personal pursuits align with those of the world is my challenge–finding comfort in the discomfort. I have my fair share of craving good company, but I never quite see anything as long-term. I see that everything I do is just a stepping stone, and there are those things that help make the going easier. I find that it’s been easy for a sentimental person like me to let go because I find the importance in realizing and cherishing the value something has had on my life and taking it into my future (it’s the idea that I wouldn’t be who or where I am if it weren’t for the people and things that have come into my life).

Ever since I was 12-years-old, I found myself admiring and developing deep connections with individuals whom I looked up to. I was always taking and leaving things, then going on into the world to hopefully make good, and making something of myself. Like the saying goes that everything comes and goes, it’s all about realizing the significance of things and keeping your eyes and heart and mind focused on the one thing that matters in your life–what you do all these things and live for.

Being home allows me to be in my element. It allows me to take a step back and reconnect with the life I identify myself with. It allows me to be my most creative and spiritual and truly feel the goodness of my own heart. It gets distracting to live a life of duty and responsibility you find no liking towards because, at the end of the day, we all just want love–self-love and felt love. And if comfort is what will bring that love, I’ll be patient to let myself find that comfort in the world first.

I’ve always called myself a dreamer, but I know actions speak louder than words. And going out there and actively living out my dream–and hoping what I take on the way will be significant–is what matters. I haven’t yet found that “place where I feel most like me” and can genuinely call “home,” nor have I found the connections and relationships I can see myself taking into the future. I’m the student still striving to fully live the life she’s learned; and I’m always moving and changing–much like the water my sign was borne into. I’m not comfortable with where I am–to say in layman’s terms–but I believe that’s the best place to be right now.

Image Source: 123RF

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